Short Tales
Sunday, February 15, 2004
You know what's weird? I can't seem to remember how or when my family and I sat at the dinner table for dinner. I know we did... I know we sat together at the table in Taiwan and had dinner together every night. But not a single instance stands out in my memory.... nothing I can recall. I dont even remember which seat I sat in or what time we usually had dinner...or what I usually had to drink.
The only dinner I do remember is with my grandmother and my aunt. My brother was there also... but my mom was at the hospital with my grandma ... my beloved ah-ma. I remember that day... so clearly. My aunt and my grandmother was over... middle of the afternoon and i'm playing with my toys. The phone rang, and my mom went to pick up. But no one answered on the other end... My mom stood at the phone, with a concerned look on her face. At the same time... a feeling of dread and discomfort came over the whole room. I felt my mom's feeling of desparation and fear. I myself... became a lil afraid. The phone rang again a few seconds later... and my mom immediately picked up. For some reason, we all kind of knew what it was about. Next thing i know, my mom rushed out of the house... to the hospital... where my Ah-ma was at.
Turns out.... my ah-ma saw an old friend... and got excited, started yelling and chatting her up. The excitement made her blood pressure rise, and the tumor in her brain exploded... she passed out in the lobby of her apartment building. The whoel day... my brother and I waited... waited for news... waited for my mom to return... waited....
That night, i dont remember who made dinner... But I ate without my parents at the table. My grandmother sat next to me... telling me that my ah-ma will always love me... that she will visit me when i'm asleep and gentely stroke my hair. I kept silent... half wanting it to be so... half dreading a visit from my ah-ma in the middle of the night....
That night, my mother came back late.... My brother and I agreed not to mention anything about ah-ma or death, or old.. or anything relating to that matter.... afraid to make our mom more upset. SHe came in to our room... and sat down next to me on my bed. She told us... "ah-ma passed away... " .... I didn't know what to do... we had an idea of whats going on, but when faced with the reality of the situation.. i felt lost. As a young child of 5 or 6.. .I didnt know how to deal with death. Seeing the sadness in my mother's eyes... hearing her voice quiver ... i broke into tears.... i cried... for the tragedy... for my first experience with pain and sadness...
Throughout my life.... the only person that cherished us and loved us... and even spoiled us like such... was my Ah-ma. I didn't understand her love at the time... I couldn't appreciate it at the time. I didnt cherish it.... and i was the biggest fool in the world. I can't blame myself all too much due to how young I was... But how I miss her now. I want to know her. I want to get to know her again... I want to make her proud... show her all that I've accomplished... .and thank her for being in my life.
I can still remember my green bunkbed so clearly... Every night going to bed, I would stare out the door to my room. And through the screen door, I would see the picture of my grandfather. Under the dim lighting in the middle of the night, I was often freaked out by the picture. Or even the image of the dark living room. I always imagined how scared I would get if at any moment, a ghostly figure would walk across my door way in the middle of the night. Or even having the picture of my grandfather wink at me.... I dont know why we didn't close the door to our room. Maybe because all we had was a screen door. Damn, I should've slept the other way.
I distinctly remember a particular dream I had as a child. It took place in our home in Taiwan. There was a ghost/monster thing, all white and soft of rectangular shaped. For some odd reason, he was just kind of dancing or whatever in our bathroom. While my brother and my father were not afraid of this monster in the bathroom, I was deathly afraid. So afraid in fact, that I couldn't go into the bathroom to pee. So i had to hold it... and it was not pleasant. Then both my brother and my father proceeded to show me that there's nothing to be afraid of and went to use the bathroom with the monster standing next to them. This whole time, i was hiding under our couch... Not sure how i fit under there, but i did. That dream stayed with me... all these years... clear as day.
